For better or For not so great

In a few days we'll be seeing a new year. The big 2-0. 2020.

Now around this time of the year is when we see people posting new year resolutions or posting things like "New year. New Me." Which is great and all but sometimes it doesn't stick right?

I started off 2019 hoping it was the year for change. A happier outlook on things and a good attitude towards life. But for some reason some resolutions didn't stick, some people I wanted to stay in my life got cut out and I maintained some horrific habits which haunt me every now and then. But all the same I woke up giving thanks to God because I was blessed to even be alive.

You see things will NEVER work out exactly the way you want them to in life. Like ever. I thought I'd be somewhere else right now in life but somehow I'm still at the same spot I was a year ago. I thought I'd be texting all my friends and reminiscing good times but now I keep my phone on silent because I get (if I'm lucky enough) to have 1 or 2 solid conversations on the phone everyday through Whatsapp.

My point is; embrace the life you're given. Whatever plans you have for your future are not guaranteed. I've learnt throughout the year that nothing is definite. It brings me to tears everytime I think of what I could have maintained as a New Years resolution and what I didn't. It hurts my soul when I think of all the things I went through in 2019 that I didn't take straight to God. It makes me feel like a failure frankly. Cause not sticking to my New Year's resolutions made me feel like I was going back to my own vomit. One important resolution I broke literally 2 or 3 days after the New Year What can I do but laugh right? I can't cry about it right? And neither should anyone else. I think of all the talk of "forever" with certain people and I smile fondly because I see now that no matter what you do, if some people were not meant to be in your life for an extended period of time then let them go. Don't force it. Once you force it you change yourself because clearly something isn't right in your connection with that person or those people...

I titled this "For better or for not so great" because I wanted to be a pushing force to whoever reads this. Stay true to your resolution in the good times of keeping it and in the bad times of not achieving it, what matters is that you keep striving. I want you to stick to your resolution. I mean the reason people come up with resolutions is so they can be better versions of themselves or achieve more right? What good do you achieve when you keep doing the exact same thing and keep expecting a different result?

“The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results.”  ~ Albert Einstein

Try something different. If it's drinking less so you can study more then sure. If it's talking to less people so you can have your own individual thought process then great! If it is cutting off toxic people from your life because they make you feel less than what you are worth then I fully encourage you to do so. Because we are put on this earth once and once alone and I'll be damned if I have to live my only life to please the people around me and not myself as well as my creator. If you're not happy with something in your life I suggest you change it.
But keep in mind. There are people around you that love you. You may not pay attention to their form of love, whether it's a good morning text or it's a comment of how happy you look every morning. Remember those people. Because sometimes there are people who want to see you fail at achieving your resolutions because they know that if you start changing your small bad habits it'll change who you are completely and they won't like the newly refreshed you. The only people that will appreciate the newly refreshed you are the ones around you that love you or that saw you through your bad habits.

Like I said, life doesn't go the way you want it to. I started off this year wanting a deeper connection with God. I got that. Then I let it go and I still haven't figured out why... But I do know one thing for sure which is that no matter what happens in my life I will always be driven back to God and having to open my bible no matter how scary it seems at first. I would advise you to do the same. I've had moments this year where I got myself into situations that made me feel awful. Like the kind of awful whereby you can't even face God and explain what happened cause you know he saw or heard it all. Then along the way someone pushed me into it and reminded me that regardless of what bad decisions I make or have made God will always welcome me back with open arms. Now keep in mind, this advice didn't make me go on a binge of bad decisions knowing I'd be forgiven later臘‍no, in reality it made me more cautious of a lot of things I chose to do. Another friend spoke to me a lot about being more conscious and decisive with my actions and I felt it was something to pass on to other people.

Now here's my hopeful New Year's resolutions list to everyone out there :
1. Be yourself ~ there is only one you. Trying to fit into a crowd that only mocks you and ridicules you or leaves you out of things is literally a waste of air and space. Be yourself even if being yourself means doing it on your own.

2. Trust in God ~ I feel like crying when I think of how I should've trusted God in a lot of things and didn't. So I would like to encourage everyone around me to just let go and let God because in the world we live in nothing is guaranteed except for the fact that God is in control of it all. He will break barriers and boundaries you never even imagined all because you trusted him and read his word and obeyed him. So please, for my sake and yours, read the bible and pray everyday because the God I serve isn't an ignorant one. He knows effort when he sees it.

3. Cut off the fake/toxic people ~ I experienced a life altering event this year which left me heart broken (Or what I view as heart break at my age) but it opened my eyes to how you can't keep people in your life if they aren't aligned with your vision. If you're trying to follow God but you have people around you who want you to follow them to the club then maybe you should reconsider who your friends really are. I started off my new year (2019) with a prayer "God please cut out the people in my life who you do not want around me" and I promise you he did. He also shined a light on those he did want in my life and I cherish these people.

4. Be happy ~ I've heard it said that happiness is a choice and every now and then I agree with that statement because there are times where things are just going good in our lives but because we want to be at someone else's level because of all their posts on gram or on their status we begin to feel we're not living how we should and that's frankly just pathetic. Be comfortable in your skin and your lifestyle because for all you know those people could be doing it all for the likes and follows. We all know how this goes.

5. Love yourself ~ The amount of self esteem you have affects everything in your life. Once you begin to feel like you're not worth much you lose your essence which makes you YOU. Ladies you are queens and gentlemen you are kings and literally noone can tell you any different. What good does it bring you to belittle another person when they are being themselves whereas you hate your life and yourself. Love yourself. Completely. Jesus is love and so goes the scripture that says love your neighbour as you love yourself and if you don't love yourself then how in the world can you love your neighbour? 1 Corinthians Ch. 13 expresses love for anyone that needs a pointer.

So that is my 2 bits of wisdom up there  I felt good about this post cause I got to lay it all bare in a way. How my 2019 has been filled with tears of anger and frustration. With silent moments of disappointment. With moments of frustration from decisions. And with moments of sadness from loss.

I do hope this helps someone out there or widens another person's horizons cause this wasn't scripture based but a personal experience based post. Until next time (if I feel in the zone珞)珞邏.