Is it all in my head || #TAKE 2

"I feel worthless"

That was the first thing I texted my friend when I suddenly felt sad at 4am. It was so  hard to put into words how I felt. I did my best to explain how I felt. How sad I deeply and truly felt. I didn't want to label my feelings as depression, I just felt so sad. It's the most emotionally and mentally unstable I've felt in a long time. I then dove into a fairly long explanation as to how I generally felt worthless, unproductive and all round useless.

Coming to terms with my emotions is something that's always been hard for me in general, whether with my family or with my friends. I struggle to tell myself the truth at times (or so I hear😐) and I'm working on that, I always am. I've done things that have made me feel even worse than I already did. I sort of came up with peaceful coping mechanisms, in a way that was productive for myself. I spent about 2 weeks not opening Whatsapp and Instagram statuses and for Instagram I chose not to like any pictures or comments. To be fair it genuinley felt helpful. To block out all the hate. All the envy. All the bitterness. And to just focus on what I thought and what I felt.

While texting my friend he said he'd already discussed this issue with someone else. We live in a generation of influencers. People who are dying to be other people. When we see our age mates succeeding or looking like super models we struggle to grasp who we really are. We crave to have all the followers and likes when some of us barely like ourselves. Personally I love myself but sometimes I wonder if myself is good enough for society and for those around me, if not I tend to feel worthless and just a striaght up bother, you know? I remember seeing a post of my age mate succeeding on Instagram  (I did not even know this girl personally) but I just started feeling anxious and envious and nervous. I could feel myself measuring myself to her and her accomplishment. I did not hate her or anything of the sort but in a way I simply admired her in the wrong way. I didn't make the prayer we see on some memes "God I see what you're doing for others and I want you to do that for me". No. I simply started to feel myself crumble, to lose self worth bit by bit all because of an instagram post that had literally nothing to do with me and my well being. I practically inflicted pain on myself. Instead, in that moment I made a quick prayer "God please remove this anxiety, this feeling within me. Please give me comfort and peace of mind".

Isaiah 66 vs 13 ~ I will comfort you there like a mother comforting her child

So many people struggle to keep up with the demands of the world. The list of things you HAVE to do or the things you HAVE to have...it's sad. It's sad because we do these things. We follow these man made principles. These vain goals.

Society wants us to complete its checklist of MUST DOs
□ Go through Primary and High school
□ Attend a pretty good university and get your degree
□ Get a great job that pays for your massive mansion and mega cars
□ Find something that will make you both famous and rich e.g. acting, youtubing, modelling, singing, rapping, fashion designing, influencing, owning a massive meme page, etc
□ Marry a super attractive person who is just as famous as you
□ Date a very rich or popular person
□ Live a photogenic lifestyle always

Then there are the exceptions of the checklist
□ Be, or at least act depressed
□ Quote sad love songs
□ Always seem heart broken
□ Be moody about really irrelevant things
□ Be super sensitive about simple jokes

The lists go on. My major problem with them all :  I can't tell the real from the fake! I want to reach out to depressed and mentally hurting people but I can't because half the depressed men and women out there look and act depressed only because society expects it of them. There are people out there drowning in the sea of fake people who crave to live the life of someone else who doesn't even know they exist.

While I felt this sense of anxiety and envy I made myself read my bible because if we as people, not even just teenagers and young adults but if we as the general population opened our bible's as much as we opened our mouths we would not be facing the issues we face so constantly. As I opened mine I read a story of someone who faced the same sense of worthlessness as I did. Someone who felt they weren't worthy of whatever plan God had in mind for them regardless of what God said to them.

Exodus 3 vs 11 ~ Moses said to God, "Who am I, that I should go to Pharaoh...

When Moses felt unworthy and down in the dumps about having to talk to a KING God practically just said go and I'll back you up. Why? Because God MAKES kings. Thus in my very low times I try and remind myself I'm actually a total queen who deserves all the love God has to give me. If not God who else and if not now then when and if not me then who else again?😂😊

I like to keep in mind that God loves me. When I'm low (and I mean VERY low) I like to listen to music that either uplifts me or forces me to accept that I'm sad and need to move past this. Sometimes I feel so fractured within myself that I can't speak to my friends about it regardless of how much I know they care I have this thing where I don't want to be that friend that's always sad or has random mood swings and all that. Also sometimes I refrain from saying it out loud that I feel upset because I don't feel in the mood to have bible verses thrown in my face🤷🏾‍♀️. I don't cut myself or anything but that doesn't mean I don't feel the pain deep within. Even as I spoke to my friend while we texted (well he texted and I mostly sat in a chair eating a tuna sandwich and crying) I made sure I explained my faith issues with my sadness. I mean I'm Christian and I believe God loves me so why do I still have moments of unworthiness and worthlessness? His response kicked me up frankly. In short his response was : being sad and feeling worthless doesn't make you any less Christian. What makes you Christian and strong in faith is your ability to get back up even after you feel like crap. Because believe me when I say I have had times in my life where I feel so mentally unstable I want to curl up into a ball however somehow I always get back up and drag my weak mind and body back to God. Experiencing a trial or tribulation and overcoming it just means that the next time I face it I will be prepared because I know my enemy. I should never hate my hair, my skin, or my clear inability to be photogenic. If anything I should adore them because that's what makes me who I am. Most of all I should just remember that if Christ is within me I am always enough.

All in all, regardless of what mental instability I face or what others face whether it be anxiety, depression or even PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) there is someone out there willing to listen and there's someone out there willing to pray for you and with you. (ME, I'm that someone😊😘😉)

I hope this reached someone's heart...mainly because it came from mine and blogging about it feels like a relief. I'm not perfect. I can only try to be. Signing out till next time, Awkward Girl 😀

P.S. if you ever need someone to randomly speak to about even the smallest thing I'm one message away @_chine_nye